In response to Thrillist: is Rembrandtplein really the hottest foodie ‘hood in Amsterdam?

Please note that since writing this blog post, Hummbar has closed down

Back in February, Thrillist published an article about the top 14 neighbourhoods in Amsterdam (surely that’s all the neighbourhoods in Amsterdam?) ranked according to their food and drink options. In the top five were Oud West (#5), Westerpark (#4), De Pijp (#3), Jordaan (#2) and at #1 (could we be reading this right?) Rembrandtplein. Yeah, right, thought all the Amsterdammers on my Facebook page.

Ok, so the Reguliersdwarsstraat’s finer offerings are close by (I’m thinking of Lion Noir and Bar Huf, although both of those more or less count as chains these days). Then of course there’s Salsa Shop – my September 2014 Restaurant of the Month. But still – there’s far more bad than good on the Rembrandtplein itself. Or is there?

The Honey Badger had noticed the recent opening of an enormous new lobster and burger place called Hummbar (needless to say, we’ve been misnaming it as “Hummer Bar” ever since – frankly it was asking for it) on the east side of the Rembrandtplein. Hummbar’s proximity to Starbucks and its evident sponsorship by Heineken didn’t bode well, but we crashed on in the vague hope that it might be something like Smokin Barrels. It wasn’t. The lobster tanks were – well, umm – empty, so we weren’t entirely sure the surf half of our surf ‘n turf wasn’t just coming out of the freezer. To be fair to Hummbar, though, there was nothing wrong with the steamed lobster – it tasted fresh enough, even if its provenance was a little dubious.

The burgers, however, were another story. I don’t think I’ve tasted burgers like that since the 90s: solid grey lumps of greasy, processed, unidentifiable protein that remind you of cheap school BBQs and taste of salt and vaguely of ham flavourings. The toppings weren’t much better either: they’d somehow managed to make the “Old Amsterdam Cheese” taste like those plastic orange squares you associate with Maccy D’s burgers. The rest just oozed out onto my plate in €15 worth of soggy filler, none of which could make up for the intense grey might-be-meat that was missing even the umami char of a grill. I literally didn’t realise it was possible to f*ck up burgers so badly in 2015.

To add how-can-we-wash-this-down insult to burger-disaster-of-the-year injury, we had to pay for water – despite having ordered “real” drinks as well. Even our waiter was nonplussed by this: “Umm… we don’t seem to have any tap water. I know, I was confused too – I’m not sure what the origin of that is?” The origin, I explained, is money. And while many Amsterdammers I know mentally blacklist restaurants that don’t serve tap water, many tourists will walk into Hummbar not knowing that 200 ml of Sourcy is going to set them back €2.75. And the next day, many more tourists will do the exact same thing. Ergo: Hummbar doesn’t give much of a crap what the locals think.

As for the staff, I fear turnover will be high. The kitchen had lists of burger toppings stuck to the wall. There are only three burgers – if the chefs can’t remember what to put on them, I’m not sure their place is behind the stove. I don’t think our waiter is going to last long, either. He was so English-ly apologetic about everything (including the water situation), it made my Dutch side genuinely uncomfortable. I felt sorry for everyone who worked there, while at the same time wanting to take them on a staff outing to Smokin Barrels to show them how it’s done.

€60 lighter, we decided to get out of the Hummer Bar before things got any more depressing. Needless to say, the Rembrandtplein’s latest “hotspot” had done nothing to dispel my scepticism about Thrillist’s food & drink rankings (although keep an eye out as I’ll be reviewing nearby Vietnamese restaurant Ô Mai soon). As for the Honey Badger’s verdict? “I’d rather get a hummer in the Westerpark.” I see.